Renaissance Woman

Reloaded by Michel Keck

Lately, I've been channeling, and challenging, my inner creativity. There used to be a time when I had so many projects going that I couldn't keep up to get them done. I would be so excited about a new idea for a project that I would start a new one before the others were complete. Now it's all I can do to start even one. I dabble here and there with the fibre arts, but that's it. There are reasons why I quit that are obvious; but for the most part, I'm not sure why I quit creating. As I've quit, I've noticed that I've been 'off'' in my overall well being. It's who I am so why would I lay it aside? Or rather, what would compel me to want to lay it aside? Well, to answer my own question, it has much to do with the 2 'tion' words that have been a thorn in my side for way too long, my friends.

Validation.

Intimidation.

It's easy when you're from small town Oklahoma and you're known as the creative one. Expressing myself came easy then. When I moved to Boulder I was excited about all this city had to offer in the Arts. I love all things creative. If its a form of expression, I'm for it. Yet, after I moved here I found that creating was hard, no scratch that, it was unbearable for me. No matter how hard I tried I kept hitting a wall. For the longest time it was an invisible wall because I didn't know what was stopping me. Now the wall is painfully obvious and it's graffitied with all the fears, insecurities and doubts that I have about my 'creative' self. Now that I know the root of the issue, I've decided it's time it address them head on.

Regarding validation:

I'll never get the validation I want from those I admire and look up to, so I need to quit expecting what won't happen. Other people's validation is not what makes me an artist, creative, talented or even good. Really, it only boils down to their personal opinion, and their personal opinion is not what shapes and molds me. I can't allow their opinion to be the only defining factor of my life. Though we do learn from others, sometimes the people you are waiting on validation from is seasoned with biases and false expectation. Validation, I will admit, is a hard one to release. There are 2 very important people in my life that I've been painstakingly awaiting their approval. And recently the Lord has been showing me that I need to let go of that 'want' because I don't 'need' it. I think what is most difficult about this idea of releasing validation is the 2 particular people I want it from. I ADORE them. They are the 2 in my life that I've wanted to make proud. But as I wait...and wait....and wait for their validation, I'm not moving forward in my life. I'm second guessing everything I do. So, I've resigned myself to the fact that its not happening and the only thing I can do for myself is to move forward with realistic expectations and unambiguous perspective.

Regarding intimidation:

Oh my, oh my, oh my....intimidation. How do I overcome this one? This one is a bit harder to address. As I stated earlier, I was known as the creative one. Yet now I feel like a small fish in a big pond in the area of creativity. Every where I look I compare myself to others. I have a long list of reasons why I 'can't'; such as, "i don't paint as well as....", or "she sings much better than me", or "i only write for fun", or "this will never happen because i have less resources". The list goes on for miles and sadly there really are no good reasons why intimidation should take residence in my life. I believe the only way I'm going to be able to let intimidation go is to pick up the Nike slogan and "Just Do It!" Easier said than done? Yes. But does it need to be done? Hell yes! Not just need to be done, it is vital that I let go of intimidation. I know I'll have to keep working on this one continually in my life as I walk out my journey. For sure. I don't want to give up. I want to punch intimidation in the face and come out on top. I know I have it in me, I just need to keep moving and not grow lethargic when intimidation creeps its ugly head in my direction.

My goal:

To work towards my inner Renaissance Woman in the arts. A chapter in my personal life opus, per se. To make a point to recognize what and whom are good and real within me; and to also identify the what's and the who's that hold me back. By doing so, I can weed through what is life giving and what is not. I plan on busting down that graffitied wall of obstacles and move toward creating the life that is waiting for me to grab hold of it and live it.